I live primarily a solitary life. My work doesn't bring me into the public eye much. That in itself can be a curse, but most days I can actually say, I feel it's a blessing. And, I have found the older I get, I'm able to like it. Yes, it can be very lonely at times. And, early on after my divorce, it was almost unbearable. I went from a house full of children, step children and an "in-law" family support group, to basically nothing. It was tough. But, on a brighter note! With this self imposed reclusive lifestyle, my relationship with God has grown and I have fewer run-ins with those people in society that would make a day unbearable or could cause me to stumble. If you are female and have ever been through a divorce, you know exactly what I mean. The gossipers, the haters, jealous individuals, those that judge when they don't know what they are talking about. And, don't get me started on the people you work with. Ugh. Makes me thankful not to be in corporate life any longer.
So, I did something this year that I haven't done in a while. I decorated for Christmas. I've always been one of those "family types." I grew up in a large family and Christmas was always a fun time and everything was always so festive. Then when I had my own family, I tried to make it just as special as what I remember Christmas being when I was young. I miss when my children were little. There is a "wonder" and "excitement" that kids have during the holidays that is unmatched. Used to, I couldn't wait to decorate. But, the last few years, it just wasn't there for me.
You see, I'm in that "in between" stage. My children are in college and have their own lives and there is no large family gathering anymore. I'm single, my parents and siblings all live out of state and different states at that. So, the fact I decided to even decorate was surprising even for me. The rewards versus the trouble and time in doing so, just don't match up. I'm happy to say, I found it quite therapeutic. It took me away from those things that trouble me. And, as I unwrapped precious family Christmas heirlooms. it brought me back to happier times. I don't mean that every day is so horrible for me or anything like that. Actually, I feel very blessed in many ways. But, I am human and to say I don't have days of self doubt and wondering if anyone really cares. I would be flat out lying.
As I continued unwrapping the beautiful ornaments and nativity scene. I could feel this peace come over me. Lord knows I pray for that "that passes all understanding." In this world, with all its perils and my children to think about. I've often amazed that I haven't gone "mad" with worry. But, in that moment, there seemed to be a calmness. God was telling me "it's all going to be okay." Some of my prayers were answered this year. Some were not. But, I needed to keep things in perspective. For I am truly more blessed than not! And, that is what I needed to remember.
Doubt and loneliness creep in when you least expect it. Holidays are the worst! I keep telling myself. God is in control. His timing isn't my timing. Be patient. (that isn't one of my virtues) And, I have learned over these last few years to embrace all this alone time I have. God and I have had many talks. (Being the woman, of course I do most of the talking) :) Sometimes I feel like a small child with the constant, "why, why, why?" And, then I think. Why not me? At least in my strife of life I have Him to fall back on. Many have no one, not God or any other human being. I read in a devotional one time that in our doubt, we may very well be the closest to God. It makes be think back to the footprints in the sand poem. There is no telling how much God has carried me. And, I've also come to understand it's okay to ask, Why? His ways aren't our ways. Most of all God wants a relationship with us. Never forget that!
My hope this Christmas Season and throughout the year is that we can remember a few things. We have no idea what others are going through. Sure, I can put on my happy face when someone does something wrong to me. I may even go home and cry a little. But, in the end. I am able to pick myself up by the bootstraps and trust in God and hopefully move on. Yes, I will confess. It's hard not to dwell on the "hurts." Many don't have the foundation system to even be able do that in a productive way! So, try to have a little more patience with those you come in contact with, especially when they aggravate you. Offer a smile to a stranger. It's free and you have no idea what it may do for someone else!
Sure, it's easy to do the right thing during this "feel good" holiday season. What about a few weeks from now? Can we commit to being a "Light that Shines?" I know, it's not easy. Some days it's very much a conscious effort to take the high road. Some people will do almost anything to hurt others. But, if we do what is right in the face of evil or someone's inconsiderate ways, we will be the better for it. Even if only God and us knows!
So, do something for someone that least expects it. Enjoy your time with your family. Hug each other, tell them you love them, fill the room with laughter! Cherish these memories you make and don't make it a life of regret. We only have one chance at life! Make the best of it!
Most of all, never forget in the hustle and bustle of these days, the reason for this season....
A Child was born and paid it all! For us!
Merry CHRISTmas!
